It has been 36 hrs. and 29 minutes since I last had any contact with my husband….the narcissist. I am trying desperately to not to cave. To wear my big girl panties. To keep to the no contact rule and break the cycle of abuse and destruction he causes with everyone and everything he touches.
It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are days when it seems to go so well and I have courage and strength. God fills my soul with peace and determination. And then there are days when I miss his false persona so much, it brings a visceral reaction.
If it were only about me walking away, I think – I would be stronger, but then….the constant emails and calls that come the minute I gain some ground. The vicious lies that cause me to want to retaliate with words of defense. My broken heart, which breaks a little more each day when I wake to realize that the man I married and gave my heart to could be such a monster. Even worse, the man I married was once the boy I loved twenty plus years ago. He was my friend, protector and my inspiration. If he’d only stayed in my memories and out of my bed, I would be just like every other Jane, going to work, taking care of my children, and thinking that a narcissist is ONLY someone that thinks it’s all about them. And that would have been just fine with me.
I know in my heart it is demonic in nature. Even though, I would be hard-pressed to get anyone to agree with me. Maybe you who are reading this will think I’m crazy too, but you haven’t lived with my husband. And quite frankly, since I’m not a narcissist, I don’t care what you think. He was sent to destroy my faith in God and I know that with all that is in me. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”
I am a target. I am a woman of deep conviction and belief in God and he exploited that with a roadside confession, tears, fake repentance and a phony conversion. I know this to be true because he admitted in a voicemail his conversion was only for his ulterior motives. All the love I had for him, he used it to manipulate my emotions. All that is generous in me, he used for his own gain. All that is peaceful, he used as a weakness. All that is kind, he used to torment me with words of abuse. All that is forgiving, he twisted to make me appear the villain. All that is self controlled, he abased with words that devalue and demean.
Today I received the email below. On the surface, anyone might think this to be conciliatory, or even contrite, but for anyone who has interacted with a narcissist, they could spot this as false modesty a mile away. Realizing that he is attempting to secure narcissistic supply and set his own stage for the next big drama to play out. Well I have news for him. I won’t be there. And I don’t care if he runs around telling everyone what a horrible woman I am for leaving him out on the street, with no help or words of encouragement. I bet he even tells them I won’t give him back his clothes, when in fact I have washed and packed all of them neatly and wait for him to come and get them, because I am NOT a storage facility.
I had a vision of me sitting in *his pastors* office, (he left our church when he moved in with the other woman and when my pastor told him he needed to get a job and some help,) while I attempt to fight off flaming arrows, about the lies he has told the man. Gee, I wonder if he told the pastor he was a narcissist? Yeah right, probably right after he told him he eats human flesh on the weekends. I know, this is no laughing matter, but it feels good to laugh.
Too bad I don’t know who this pastor is. I would email him and tell him to run for cover and kick this psycho out of his congregation before he dupes some other sweet Christian woman. And then I would send him all the great information about NPD that I could find with a list of his behaviors. Chances are he wouldn’t believe me, but the seed would be planted and the pastor would be watching, wondering if it could be true. And eventually his mask would slip and the truth would be revealed. I can wish can’t I?
I know, I don’t sound like I have the mind of Christ, but I am not perfect and I am deeply hurt. I do forgive. In fact I pity him only. I would not waste my energy hating him, but it is perfectly OK to be angry.
Below is his email…..
I NO LONGER WILL CAST STONES NOR CONDEMN ANYONE . I AM NOT PERFECT BUT I STRIVE FOR IT . I WILL NOT ACCEPT OR OWN THAT I AM THE DEVIL NOR THAT I AM CONDEMNED TO MY LIFE .. I SEEK OUR FATHER AND I DESIRE HIS WILL . I HAVE A WIFE AND I AM NOT NOR HAVE BEEN UN-FAITHFUL TO YOU . MY PASTOR WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET ? I HAVE SAID THAT I AM A LIAR AND I WALKED OUT AND ALL MY IMPERFECTIONS , I ALSO TOLD HIM HOW GREAT YOU ARE AND THE KIDS AND I WALKED OUT OF MY FAMILY ..LOVE ALWAYS,
God. Please. Today is over, help me to wake with joy tomorrow and strength to carry on. The battle is Yours.