Ignoring the Narcissist

It has been 36 hrs. and 29 minutes since I last had any contact with my husband….the narcissist.   I am trying desperately to not to cave.   To wear my big girl panties.  To keep to the no contact rule and break the cycle of abuse and destruction he causes with everyone and everything he touches.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  There are days when it seems to go so well and I have courage and strength.  God fills my soul with peace and determination.   And then there are days when I miss his false persona so much, it brings a visceral reaction.

If it were only about me walking away, I think –  I would be stronger, but then….the constant emails and calls that come the minute I gain some ground.  The vicious lies that cause me to want to retaliate with words of defense.  My broken heart, which breaks a little more each day when I wake to realize that the man I married and gave my heart to could be such a monster.  Even worse, the man I married was once the boy I loved twenty plus years ago.  He was my friend, protector and my inspiration.  If he’d only stayed in my memories and out of my bed, I would be just like every other Jane, going to work, taking care of my children, and thinking that a narcissist is ONLY someone that thinks it’s all about them.  And that would have been just fine with me.

I know in my heart it is demonic in nature.  Even though, I would be hard-pressed to get anyone to agree with me.  Maybe you who are reading this will think I’m crazy too, but you haven’t lived with my husband.   And quite frankly, since I’m not a narcissist, I don’t care what you think.  He was sent to destroy my faith in God and I know that with all that is in me.  John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” 

I am a target.  I am a woman of deep conviction and belief in God and he exploited that with a roadside confession, tears, fake repentance and a phony conversion.  I know this to be true because he admitted in a voicemail his conversion was only for his ulterior motives.  All the love I had for him, he used it to manipulate my emotions.  All that is generous in me, he used for his own gain.  All that is peaceful, he used as a weakness.  All that is kind, he used to torment me with words of abuse.  All that is forgiving, he twisted to make me appear the villain.  All that is self controlled, he abased with words that devalue and demean.

Today I received the email below.  On the surface, anyone might think this to be conciliatory, or even contrite, but for anyone who has interacted with a narcissist, they could spot this as false modesty a mile away.  Realizing that he is attempting to secure narcissistic supply and set his own stage for the next big drama to play out.  Well I have news for him.  I won’t be there.  And I don’t care if he runs around telling everyone what a horrible woman I am for leaving him out on the street, with no help or words of encouragement.  I bet he even tells them I won’t give him back his clothes, when in fact I have washed and packed all of them neatly and wait for him to come and get them, because I am NOT a storage facility.

I had a vision of me sitting in *his pastors* office, (he left our church when he moved in with the other woman and when my pastor told him he needed to get a job and some help,) while I attempt to fight off flaming arrows, about the lies he has told the man.  Gee, I wonder if he told the pastor he was a narcissist?  Yeah right, probably right after he told him he eats human flesh on the weekends.  I know, this is no laughing matter, but it feels good to laugh.

 Too bad I don’t know who this pastor is.  I would email him and tell him to run for cover and kick this psycho out of his congregation before he dupes some other sweet Christian woman.  And then I would send him all the great information about NPD that I could find with a list of his behaviors.  Chances are he wouldn’t believe me, but the seed would be planted and the pastor would be watching, wondering if it could be true.  And eventually his mask would slip and the truth would be revealed.  I can wish can’t I? 

I know, I don’t sound like I have the mind of Christ, but I am not perfect and I am deeply hurt.  I do forgive.  In fact I pity him only.  I would not waste my energy hating him, but it is perfectly OK to be angry. 

Below is his email…..

I NO LONGER WILL CAST STONES NOR CONDEMN ANYONE . I AM NOT PERFECT BUT I STRIVE FOR IT . I WILL NOT ACCEPT OR OWN THAT I AM THE DEVIL NOR THAT I AM CONDEMNED TO MY LIFE .. I SEEK OUR FATHER AND I DESIRE HIS WILL . I HAVE A WIFE AND I AM NOT NOR HAVE BEEN UN-FAITHFUL TO YOU . MY PASTOR WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET ?  I HAVE SAID THAT I AM A LIAR AND I WALKED OUT AND ALL MY IMPERFECTIONS , I ALSO TOLD HIM HOW GREAT YOU ARE AND THE KIDS AND I WALKED OUT OF MY FAMILY ..LOVE ALWAYS,
RON

God.  Please.  Today is over, help me to wake with joy tomorrow and strength to carry on.  The battle is Yours.

12 thoughts on “Ignoring the Narcissist

  1. Dear Narcisssists wife, i too am in the same situation, please read kim and steve coopers story on narcissismcured. c o m . i a=have and i bought the books and am going through reading them now, they are very very helpful and will give you hope which is what you need. Read what Ron says to you, I WILL NOT ACCEPT OR OWN THAT I AM THE DEVIL NOR THAT I AM CONDEMNED TO MY LIFE .. – He wants and needs you to save him. please trust in what i say and have a look at that site. And if you do i’d love to hear more about the outcomes. M x

  2. My dear I am so so proud of you for having taken your life and sanity in your hands – well done. A man like this is not worth living with or for – u are strong I can hear it in your voice of reasoning – dont worry take each day and be very nice to yourself and enjoy the gentle soul god has gifted you with – dont ever contact him , he does no exist – you have all reasons to live and enjoy your life as a woman and human – forget him forever forever ……I shall pray for you as I know how difficult it is I am right now in the middle of leaving him – and its not easy but can be done just have to endure a little more of his nonsense souless body functions and I am gone, as I dont love him – how can you love someone who is evil to you……all the best susan –

  3. I will pray that God gives you the strength to get through this. I empathize with you. I also have been engulfed with a narcissist. Some people do not understand why it is so hard to leave them. I know why. It’s because they are so cunning, like no1 you’ve ever met. They say and do what you want early on to wheel you in. Then all of a sudden they stop and you’re in shock because you can’t fathom a human, being so evil and callous. Unfortunately, they are. They know just what to say at the right time. I couldn’t imagine also bn with one that claims to know God. Mine acts as if he is God. I also have a relationship with God so I know it would be even harder to escape. The word makes you believe that any body’s heart can change, but they have to want to change. Believe me , most narcissist do not want to change. I do believe that all things are possible through Christ, but again you have to be willing and most of them are not. You have to be strong and keep ignoring him. Close each and every crack. Even block his emails. I am actually at that point now. It literally has only been a day and it is very hard. Also, if you fall don’t beat yourself up. Just keep asking God for strength and keep praying. You can also fast and burn a candle for him and ask God to remove any hurt, pain and unforgiveness from your heart against this person. Ask God to remove the desire to want to seek after their false self. Ask God to open up their heart and remove the insecurities and the walls that this person has built out of pain. I look at my narcissist as a hurt child who has built this facade to protect himself as an adult. Email me whenever you want to talk.

  4. sounds just like my ex – the devil. Comes back to haunt me, sometimes i am strong and reject him, sometimes I fall back into it and then the hurt begins all over again as he rejects me once again.

  5. Dear, Sweet, Heart!!!

    Of all the stories I’ve read of someone who was either in a relationship or married to a narcissist, your moved me the most. I don’t know, maybe I just related to yours the most. My mother told me just today that what I am dealing with in my marriage is also demonic in nature. I haven’t even mentioned the N word to her. I doubt she’d understand. God never leaves us. The deeper and stronger our faith, the more powerful the attempt by the enemy to destroy us! Stay faithful. Turn your back on the enemy. He has no power over you. Love God and yourself first. He will reward your faith.

  6. I am married to a narcissist who happens to be a Pastor. After 13 yrs I have now been able to put the name ‘narcissist’ on the behaviors I have observed during the marriage. I now know that I have been abused emotionally, economically and financially. Our recent conflicts has been in the area of my belief only because he cannot and will not gain control over the spiritual area of my life. He is attacking my belief but I will stand strong believing in the power of God’s anointing. It is sad but this is real. I used to feel drained communicating with my husband but after doing research on the narcissist, I have adopted ways and means on how to cope until I leave.

  7. I hope everything has worked out for you, I saw no follow up and this post appears to be a year old. I am trying to decide if there is a way to remain married to my N husband…. he has created such a false image of me which he pulls front and center anytime I do something he doesnt want or needs to put me down again. My Dr had to write it out in black and white so that I could clearly see what I was dealing with… bc I kept trying to prove it was ok, I love him, I can be annoying etc… he said I dont care what you did, he cant do what he done to you and treat you the way he treats you. He said if I decide to stay in the house, its against medical advice at this point. I asked him how my husband could keep up a good self for 2 years before letting loose the other mean part of him… who my therapist thinks is the real him. They think I fell in love with this false self side of him. Im trained in this area and reading about it and having it happen to you … you cant see it. I love this man, the one I fell in love with, not the one who chooses to disregard me and berate me and have no concern for me when I am in pain (physical or emotional)… he never puts an arm around me if I cry (even if its not related to him). Since we got married he has turned into this cold, emotionless person… and the lies… he lies to me straight in the face!

    Anyway, Im sure any of you who are reading on this page know what Im talking about, in some form or another. I just cant believe it happened… it seems likea nightmare that has this potential fora great outcome like we used to be… the 2 professionals helping me with this assume me that there is no positive outcome for me if I stay. SOme say I cant leave either bc I risk him literally going insane and hurting me.

    Placating to him only makes him disrespect me, though we dont fight as much. Defending myself makes him blame me and call me the abuser. Its a catch 22. I think I wish I stayed with my ex husband… he was just a bitter not nice person… he wasnt a narcissist. I feel I have truly been through the worst I could ever go through in a lifetime… all in that past 2 years since we married. You are right about the God thing… he, it has been chipping away at my relationship with God… it hasnt worked, but I have allowed myself to do things I never would have all bc I love this man. I have made some serious amends to God… and I thank Him all the time for sticking with the one who just chooses not to see the bad in people until its too late. I never seem to learn but He is always there.

  8. Get yourselves to 12-step meetings, whether CODA (codependency anonymous), SANON (for those who have sex addicts in their lives), AL-ANON (for those who have alcoholics in their lives)–it really doesn’t matter, since the message in any of the 12-step programs is basically the same: Step 1 states “was powerless over___ and my life became unmanageable.” We are powerless over narcissism, which, by the way is often accompanied by other addictions (workaholism, sexaholism, rageaholism, exerciseaholism, alcoholism, etc). When we try to fix, manage or control the narcissist in our lives, our lives become unmanageable. Steps 2 – 12 of the program brings the focus back to ourselves. Step 2: “came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”; step 3: “made a conscious decision to turn our will and our lives over to the our Higher Power or the God of our understanding”; step 4: “made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” It goes on from there through step 12, always with the focus on ourselves. I for one had to take a good look at what it was about me that had kept me in an abusive marriage to a narcissist for 28 years. I started the 12-step S-ANON program 6 years ago, the divorce process took 5 years to complete, and my divorce was finalized 2 years ago yesterday. In 22 months the ex has dragged me back to court 17 times for any little thing he could possibly drum up. The last time was over $50, rather sad, don’t you think, considering we’ve had 5 children together. Doesn’t matter, the important point is that I, too, have been through hell, and the hell has been an opportunity for spiritual growth, especially supported by the 12-step program. For all you people out there in pain, get yourselves to a 12-step meeting. Then go to more meetings and begin to implement the tools of the program, such as lists of people you can call when you are triggered who are also in the program, etc…Now, 2 years post-divorce, I am finding peace, serenity, and compassion, even for him.

  9. I too was in 28+ yes. Supported him thru 20 yes incarceration and looked after his narc mum thru those yes. He gaslighted when his mum died just 8 months shy of his release and I PD all the bills for her and the small home she left him…he thinks is her love for him…truth..she couldn’t take it with her in death and said so. He got released and picked rights just prior to …then total stonewall.sadly we have a son
    Who was only 5 when dad went to fed prison. Has been really hell for him waiting for dad.he has bplevel 1 many hospitalizations and just became level 2 at 26 yes old.used to have to call narc granny to beg her to ask narc dad to write his son. I
    learned of the narc when he got released as his lack of emotion or care just didn’t
    add up…years were a lot of sacrifice and money and emotional turmoil for us…but his only concern was his needs.mostly money ..narc mum complained anytime she had to send $or visit..never told him much about us even tho I spoke to her via phone daily..my expense of course…she never did anything for grandson..threatened to call police on him if he came to her house as he got antsy wanting to visit dad at prison and narc granny lived close by.
    The knowledge of narcs fit like a glove when I accidently learned. All the years of
    anger frustration of not understanding what the hell was wrong, why he acted so
    cold and indifferent finally clicked. I was raw for months…and it still boggles my mind…worry about son now.narc dad gas lighting him to try to force him into
    getting some girl pg. So he can have grand kid!! Son not interested there as over many years we’ve talked about things and he has no tolerance for babies or the
    desire for that kind of scene in his life. Narc dad has never contributed a dime or
    anything tangible and little emotional support to son..so legally he don’t have
    Much ..and we were never married.I supported him .these sites are a life giving source for people like me…lost in the fog and wondering what’s the deal with these
    Flip-flop people! Give them unconditional love and they will devour you!
    FYI…they do long stretches of time in prisons just fine…just don’t like the authority
    Issues and schedules.they get depressed when supply is low…need money on books so they can indulge in their needs,supplies etc.might say thank you to ensure it continues…but no real emotion there. BTW…fav to me…you’re so emotional…when I nearly had major meltdown ..in visitation room at prison..b|c
    He told me he had been DX w\a brain tumor.wondered why I was so emotional.
    Turns out that was all lie to keep me close by to pay mums house bills…elec.phone
    He would need these upon release…home insurance…and of course his personal $. I gave..willingly B/c I loved him.worked all the OT I could ,sometimes juggled 2-3 jobs .what an assshole! Karma will prevail.and I’m glad narc granny has FINALLy
    Passed on…BTW..she wanted me to send my son to take care of her as she was dying.Like Hell! Kindly neighbors looked after her….glad its all over and my life has
    Improved..bought new car for my birthday!!! Wow! First present I’ve had in years.
    These folks truly are vampires! And mean ones.God Bless and keep you all.
    I’m in phase of yoyo..but no contact remains intact.emotions and pain still prevail
    Like surviving a walk thru the fires of hell.

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