Today was a difficult day; I was hanging on by a thread, minute by minute. I have found myself unable to concentrate on work or even simple tasks and the things that I enjoy are slipping away. I have no interest in anything, or anyone. My children are watching me disintegrate and I feel powerless to do anything to halt the intense emotions that are turning me into a shell of who I was. The worst part about it, is knowing he is winning the evil game of destruction he played with me.
I have had several relationships in my forty years of life, but none that has taken the very mental health from me as this has.
The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues sources of supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Sudden shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and ‘love’, ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender – are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and anxiety (‘walking on eggshells’). Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one – and even when he is long out of their life. – SamVaknin
I have been trying to understand this phenomenon, which has ensnared my very being. It is so hard to comprehend and therefore to accept. I was a smart confident woman seven months ago and since meeting this madman, I have been reduced to an insecure mess, tracking his movements and trying to figure out his next move before he makes it on me.
The insecurities I now feel come from a variety of sources, but none more harmful than the realization that somewhere deep inside me, I may have overlooked red flags that could have prevented this nightmare. My kind and compassionate nature betrayed me.
Last week, by his own admission, he stated on my voicemail that he gave his heart to Christ eight months ago, for “ulterior motives.” He knew as soon as he met me that I would NEVER be involved with someone that was not of my faith. It is part of who I am, so he mirrored what he saw in me and became that person in order to reach his goal. With tears and repentance he faked his way to the alter. A sacred place for me, but one he mocked.
He fooled not only me, but everyone he came in contact with. The men he befriended are stunned beyond belief, which gives me some minor relief of my own guilt for being so foolish, but it is a minor victory at best, yet it’s all I have.
Someday I will start at the beginning and tell the whole ugly story. Not for you. For me. When I know it will help my healing, then I will begin.