My Devaluing Continues

Over the last couple of months I started referring to my husband as an emotional vampire.   Being on the other end of his manipulations for his own personal gain and pleasure, was emotionally draining unlike anything I have ever experienced.

I began to close myself off emotionally to him, as much as I was able and I immediately saw the change taking place in his personality.  I began to act stoic and unmoved by his bad behavior and pity parties.   My tone was matter of fact and would not show him any sympathy for the mess he has caused.  I knew this was the only way to break free from him and believed it was working.  Once he couldn’t elicit a perennial stream of drama and emotion from me over the hurt and sorrow he had caused, he started to retract.   His phone calls became fewer; although, just as draining for me, they were transforming before my ears.   Definitely not the man that needed constant attention from me, so much so,  he could not close the car door and walk away before my phone would be ringing and his nonstop phone calls would begin.  He could not be alone with himself for even a minute. 

He became even more indifferent, cold and aloof in every conversation.  Much like you were talking to an unlikable telemarketer and not to the spouse you have declared your undying love for.   Even though he would say “I love you and I miss you,” the words were empty with no feeling.   He showed no emotion, or affect;  like an empty shell.

This is the exact opposite behavior you would expect in this situation.  If two people separate because of one person’s lying and abusive behavior, there is usually an attempt to fix the situation by whatever means necessary by the guilty party.  At least, that’s what my experience has been with abusive men.  But not at all in this case.  There is NO empathy, no sorrow, no missing me, nothing.  Just a mouth full of empty meaningless chatter.  He doesn’t even seem to be trying to convince me anymore.   As my daughter has suggested, he has realized that he cannot win here and is giving me up to find a new source of supply.  And all this from a man that is currently living at the homeless shelter.  My sane mind wonders, “how low do you have to go before you feel sorry?” 

A narcissist NEEDS to have the attention they so crave for.  They will go to great lengths to get that fix.  When my husband’s phone calls grew fewer and fewer I knew he was getting his supply from some other source and I was soon to be tossed aside and forgotten. 

That should be a good thing right?  And it is…. for my protection, sanity and the well being of my children, but there is another side to this nightmare.   This is a man that I fell in love with.  Drank tea with every day, shared a bed with, laughed with, walked with and made plans with.  The love I have runs very deep for that false person I fell for and it is a torment I have never before known.  I can’t get him out of my heart or head and I am desperately hoping it will get easier as the days pass.

I wake every day adjusting to the reality that I was just an object to be used for his personal gain and he has no feelings toward me.  None.  Whatsoever.  That is a very hard pill to swallow.  I walk through emotional hills and valleys daily and fall somewhere between, “I am loveable and have a lot to offer a sane person,” and “what is wrong with me, that he would not love me?”  It is by no means an easy thing to understand the narcissistic personality.  I could read on and on about it and never come to a full understanding of the Mack truck that has run me over.  It is an enigma and I don’t know that I will ever fully recover from what has been stolen from me.

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2 thoughts on “My Devaluing Continues

  1. It is common for one to believe in a Narcissistic relationship, that your essence, your true inner self was stolen. On the contrary, you gave it up to him of your own free will. I can attest to such as I am a former victim of a malignant narcissitic relationship. You must first understand why you give love and want to continue to love a person that has NO capability to reciprocate love. Your fear is based upon what is referred to as “attachment.” Yes, this is a fear based syndrome,and it can rule your life.

    In my blog, I offer information on personality disorders. What I base my blog upon is minimal information, the essential basics of personality disorders with a high emphasis upon the victims/abused. Think of it this way, and as you stated so eloquently, “It is by no means easy to understand the Narcissitic Personality”, so why attempt to figure it out! You’ve lived it and studied it, therefore, you must realize nothing will change, and the prognosis for his turnaround is bleak at best. So what is left? YOU!!! He never took/stole what is inside you. You still have all that potential you were born with and that is what you now have to build upon, without him!

    I have a phase 1-6 suggested program for recovery on my blog along with other articles in my header for your perusal. You are welcome to review. It could bring some clarity to your situation. Best of luck in your future.

    • Thanks for your encouragement, but I guess it will take time for me to come to full acceptance of this situation. I allow myself this grieving period because I have only come to realize all of this several weeks ago. Prior to that, there were only signs and oddities that made no sense. I became an observer, watching and waiting for the pieces of the puzzle to fall into place.

      I consider myself blessed that it was only eight months; it could have gone on for years.

      I gave my love to him because his false self was deserving of it, but when the facade was over, I took it back and quickly. But taking the action is just the first step. The hardest part is waiting for the feelings within myself to follow. Feelings don’t just evaporate. If they did, we would all be just like they are. I am capable of love and he is not. That is his loss. I still hurt for him because true love is self sacrificing and wants the best for the other person. Which does not mean that it has to be at my expense. I become a healthier person when I forgive. Not for his sake, but for mine.

      I see no link to your blog and I hope you will drop by and leave it.

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